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 An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman."Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!""Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy... Was she pretty?""Dunno... Never found the head."
A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand.
The mother looked startled. The doctor then said
" Here catch, "
And promptly tossed the baby to the mother, but it landed on the window ledge and fell out the window. The lady shrieked and said,
" You bastard, you've killed my baby,"
The doctor replied,
" April Fool, it was dead already"

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon thehead starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her. Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid, Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to withe off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.
"Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

A man is feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of gonareah, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!"

"My gosh, doctor! What are you going to do?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?"

"Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."


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